Thank God February is over.

To kick off the month on a high note, New England fans were once again able to partake in the semi-annual tradition of dragging our collective manhood across the faces of the football world as the Lombardi returned to its rightful home in Foxborough.

In a drastic reversal of fortune since, there has been nothing good to say about the world of New England sports.

The Celtics are, to put it lightly, a monstrous pile of shit with the chemistry of a remedial level 6th grade science project. They are lead by a guard who has either spent the last month fantasizing about New York bagels and weekends at 1 Oak, or simply doesn’t see a problem giving Celtics fans panic attacks over his cryptic non-responses to the media or his antics with Kevin Durant during All Star weekend. Truthfully, I wish this unnamed guard wasn’t so good at dribbling a basketball because the way he’s handled these trade rumors makes me want him out of Boston faster than you can say ‘two max contracts.’

Bad news over? Nope. On top of the Celtics’ locker room drama and aneurism-inducing inconsistency on the floor, the universe almost imploded with the news that Robert Kraft got popped by the feds for his regular appearances at a certain Florida massage parlor that has been known to include hand jobs in their weekly massage specials.

Mr. Kraft’s face was plastered on every newspaper in the country during a span where the national conversation consisted of people pretending to be mad that a 77 year-old billionaire, who much like presumably every other man on earth, enjoys a little tug at the end of his rub. 

My gut response was absolute panic, as flashbacks to Deflategate reminded me of how these sort of non-stories can have a real effect on the Patriots in a way that they wouldn’t for other teams. I found no solace in the supposed precedent in place from Colts owner Jim Irsay getting a six game suspension and half-million dollar fine after catching a DUI while driving with an entire pharmacy in his stomach. Nay, even if Kraft comes out of this whole fiasco without a legal scratch (which is very possible), I will know no peace until Roger Goodell has officially said that he won’t levy some grotesquely disproportionate punishment against the Patriots. If a theory about deflated footballs, easily debunked by anyone who has taken high school chemistry, warrants a 4 game suspension and loss of draft picks then who knows what a few hand-jibbers at a massage parlor is gonna cost us? 

It is on the tail end of this rather hellacious month for Boston sports, with the post-Super Bowl elation long worn off, that Josh Gordon’s reappearance may bring a degree of joy back to an otherwise somber fan base. According to TMZ, the green-friendly and wildly talented wide receiver has not accepted his current indefinite suspension as the nail in the coffin on his career. 

Josh Gordon isn’t throwing in the towel on his NFL career — it’s the opposite — he’s been training like a maniac with an Olympic sprinter in the hopes of returning to dominance.

Sources connected to the wide receiver tell TMZ Sports … Gordon has been working out at Numa Speed in Florida with Tim Montgomery, a former Team USA sprinter who won a gold medal in the 4×100 in 2000. 

Additionally, he recently posted an Instagram story of him working out in his TB12 gear, as if to say “Hey guys! I’m not stoned, I’m working out and I’m thinking about you! Please take me back!”

I do not hate the move at all, and I for one would love to see him suit up in Foxborough once again. He had a very productive year for the Pats, playing 12 games and hauling in 41 receptions for 737 yards and 4 touchdowns. While those aren’t 2013 Flash Gordon numbers, 18 yards per reception is nothing to scoff at, and come on, the dude hasn’t played real football in five years (the 2017 Cleveland Browns were not a football team, sorry).

He was essentially Brady’s number one receiver and was significant enough to the point that there was a collective holding-of-breath in New England when he announced that he was “stepping away from the team” AKA about to get his ass suspended again for not being able to “stay off the weeeee-duh.”

The Patriots front office has made it clear that they support him and will welcome him back on the team if that is ever a possibility. So yes, I would like to see our boy Flash Gordon continue to stay in the gym, away from the weed, and hopefully suit up again alongside the greatest quarterback to ever play.

Lets just hope Goodell doesn’t suspend him for so long that Brady retires before he gets to play again. The Devil’s work is never done, is it Roger? 

A fact of life for Patriots fans is that the offseason is generally a frustrating and confusing time. The drummed up scandals and generally awful punditry are par for the course, as the haters and the losers have a grace period of seven months to talk that shit with no need for on-field evidence to substantiate their arguments. The more frustrating part of the offseason comes when the Pats make free agency moves that make no sense to an outside observer, or are relatively predictable but still feel like an absolute gut punch. 

Declining to slap the franchise tag on Trey Flowers, Trent Brown, and Stephen Gostowski is a quintessential iteration of this offseason tradition. Not only does it suck in a football sense (Flowers is one of the best in biz, Brown was an essential component to this year’s Super Bowl run), but the cold and calculated ditching of players like Gostowski, a Patriots’ staple for years, is a soul-sucking tradition like no other. We see it with legends like Adam Vinatieri, studs like Asante Samuel, stalwarts like Nate Solder – the list goes on and on. 

The Patriots simply aren’t going to pay top dollar for talent, its a harsh reality that all must accept. We can find solace in the fact that somehow the cheaper pieces always fall into place (looking at you, Michael Bennett). 

So, March (and the whole offseason) fucking sucks too. Thank you Josh Gordon for the slight morale boost, now take a line from Stephen A and hopefully we’ll see you back in action by the end of this decade.